LOVE in the OUCH and the OOPS

I recently heard of a painful coffee-hour moment at church (not the first, and it won't be the last):  An adult asked another adult about their child, "What's wrong with the kid?"  It was an "ouch" moment for the parents.  An "ouch" moment to hear about it. I am curious; what can we learn?

Picture it.  It's coffee hour at the Tennessee Valley UU Church in Knoxville, TN.  My nine-year-old self has already raided the donut table, and I am looking up at all the adults talking.  I notice a woman.  She is talking to herself, but at different intervals is engaged by folks in the room.  There is something different about her from the other grown ups.  Her hair isn't brushed and she has holes in her shoes.  And lots of other grown ups talk to her.  Then she resumes talking to herself.

As kids, we notice differences.  And that experience, from over 25 years ago, reminds me that it is our adults that model to the kids how we assess and behave with one another in the face of difference and "otherness."  From that one memory of that coffee hour, I have held in my heart that our Unitarian Universalist churches are places where we value one another, even in our differences, whether they be theological, cultural, developmental, physical, mental, ...the list goes on ad infinitum.  Love has no bounds in this regard.  I remember thinking to myself, "Wow, that lady seems different.  And she is welcome here.  I am, too!  YAY!"  That scenario could have been different.  The lady could have been alone; quietly ushered out of the room; and I would have learned a very different message about what church is.

As a group of humans in this wild and wooly beast I know as Church, we are bound to mess up.  I can tell you right now that I am going to say things that I wish I could take back.  I am going to disappoint and fail as I encounter others who are different and think differently from me, accidentally offending in ways I had not imagined.  In those moments, how can we call one another to our highest values again and again- to try to really make Love the Spirit of the Church.  It begins with finding a loving and honest way of saying, "Ouch." It also invites the messer-upper to humbly say, "Oops, looks like I have some learning to do."  Infused in the "Ouch-Oops" process is the bigger pictureand faith that Love can carry us through these awkward, often painful moments.  We can get to the other side- to learning, personal growth, and stretched hearts. We can get curious with one another and learn and love in the midst of difference.

I have a T. S. Eliot quote on my wall.

"For us there is only the trying. The rest is not our business."

I do not have control about how other will respond to my behavior.  But I do have control in leading my own behavior, becoming self-aware, and learning about different ways of being in the world (cultures, abilities, sexual/ gender expression), open always to learning from our differences, expanding the circles of my compassion further and further.  The trying to be thoughtful- the striving- is essential if we truly want to honor our interconnectedness and our oneness in the Spirit of Love, in God.  Remember, little eyes are watching.

- Rev. Allison Farnum -

Addiction, Recovery and the Power of Meditation

How many people do you know with addictions?  What is an addiction should probably be explained first. An addiction is anything that you feel compelled to do,  IT controls YOU. It becomes the ruling force and desire of your day.  It also interferes with your day to day life , stopping you from taking care of your obligations such as work, lack of time with your children, unpaid bills, conflict in relationships etc. It can take many forms:Social media, internet, gambling, working too much, criminal activity, just to name a few outside of the usual drugs and alcohol. 

I should know, I have been an addict since a teen which later developed into alcoholism. I shoplifted, tried any drug I could get my hands on and my life suffered for it. If I was not using, I was working too much which was easy to do when you work for the State in protecting children from neglect and abuse. Then I had my daughter, now eight and became sober for a while and left that job because it took away from me raising her.

As addicts get stunted spiritually and emotionally while they engaged in addiction I lacked coping skills and when something bad happens, it was easy to run away and escape. You are stuck mentally at whatever age your addiction starts. Then you get sober and have to deal with things!? That is the worst part. I ran 12 step meetings and taught criminals in prison coping skills and to avoid crime and drugs, but something was missing. We were told in the 12 step to use G O D as Good Orderly Direction, I liked that. But really how much of that is found in prison?

I left that job and began writing, exploring different religions as I had done in the past, taking out what I felt made sense to me and my journey. Then I came to UUCFM and like Oprah states, I had a “Ah Ha moment!” Then it became clear. I started meditating, which by far has been the most important thing I could have learned. As you sit in silence, your thoughts left are what I call “monkey chatter”, leftover stuff, problems and events. All that was in the past. But meditation is not about the past, it is about the NOW and being in the PRESENT. In addiction you are as far from the present as you can be. It’s the Ying to my Yang that I am finding balance. Learning to quiet the mind helps you make peace within yourself and your mind, to connect with the universe/spirit/higher self.. whatever you feel connected to and what is coming to mind during meditation can be dealt with and understood. It is my newest and best coping skill ever.

- Jennifer Long -